"Just scribbling"

 

Jo, this is the name that I use for all my writings. Now I am here to write a few thoughts on myself, when I say few thoughts I mean there are always two parts to anything in the same way I am going to write about the two parts in my heart. I think one part of my heart is the better me in all the senses because I feel I am that loveable and that good (and this is purely my opinion). The next part is entirely different because you will able to see how egoistic I am and how short-tempered I am when I am in anger I don’t even think who is in my front and whom I am talking too. This part of me is very dangerous because this creates a lot of problems; this part of me hurts a lot of people who love me and who are close to me. I am trying to change this but this is not going away from me. I am  trying to explain myself how I am with two instances.

Life is challenging quite challenging. We try to run away from reality in a variety of ways rather than face its ugliness. We let our addictions rule us. We reject reality and make up our own myths. We spend too much time reading or watching films that are metaphors for reality, which gives us permission to daydream. When you're lonely, you feel alone and that no one can possibly understand the thoughts running through your head, or that these thoughts are unreasonable. You must dig yourself out of this hole since you are not in a favorable position. Even though you're miserable, every day you force a grin onto your face and go about your business as if everything is OK. Truth is an acquired taste, and some of us never really get used to it, which is what makes reality difficult.

You feel useless, but your heart is telling you that you are worth more than gold, thus it appears that your mind and heart are at war. You find motivation to live, like your family and children, but you eventually realize that they would be happy without you. Sometimes I would try to find the right words to capture the entire situation, but sometimes just a few words would be sufficient. Writing is quite helpful, but I wonder how much I will be able to conceal in my words and how far I will be able to travel in this way. I believe it's time to put away the pen and paper and burn them both; this will, in the short term, assist, but.... When will I be free from all of this, and is it my ego or my complex that keeps me from speaking? I believe it's time to move from all these and be alone in a place where no one comes. I think this would help me in all the sense.

I always have a problem of reacting to things without even thinking of the consequences, at that time I won’t think of that but afterwards I will and I know this character of me is very harsh. Most of the times I get warning but my ego put me off saying I don’t care. The thing is I feel guilt after all these and sit and think what I have done. I still have thoughts on how I would be in future if I go like this . I know very well this is not good but still I am doing the same again and again. I'm currently caught between a very emotional heart and an overly analytical head. Thinking constantly drives me crazy while also causing me to lose all of my hope. It would be more accurate to say that I am losing myself, how I used to be, and all of the happiness I once experienced.

 

There is someone I always look into, they both live in the reality. Why I say reality is because I see these two fights like kids sometimes it goes beyond and very harsh. But you know these fights do not go more than one or two days. Sometimes it goes more than two days only in extreme cases.  I would say these two are very caring and loving. At the same time I am really scared of these two because “all things are good but when it comes to certain things both are very strict “.  I always feel a parental care in both of them because they have come this far and they know how life is they are trying to make me realize how life is but I still go like a child. 

I only have a few memories with you but those are the best and sweet memories. I still can’t think how I started to think of you as my life partner, this was after a big depressed time realizing that I need someone who really understands me and who knows what had happened before in my life and one who knows the positive and negative side of me in all the sense. When this thinking came into me I thought of asking you straight forward. Whatever the answer you give me, the answer is still within me I have not told anyone about it; let it be within me for some time. I feel more comfortable talking to you when all I am in a horrible mood. 

It feels like I am still not on track, It feels like I am a big zero in everything. whatever I will see how things will go from now on.