"Pure Madness"

 

Today was not a good day.

 From the outside, it probably looked normal. I smiled. I laughed. I answered video calls. I spoke to people the same way I always do. If anyone had seen me during those moments, they would have thought I was absolutely fine. But the strange thing about pain is that it doesn’t always show on the face. Sometimes the loudest cries happen in complete silence. Today was one of those days. I don’t really know where to begin because there isn’t one particular reason. There wasn’t one event that suddenly broke me. It was more like hundreds of thoughts, worries, fears, responsibilities, questions, and emotions deciding to sit together inside my head at the same time. And when that happens, it becomes difficult to breathe normally. You start carrying on conversations that nobody else can hear. You start fighting battles that nobody else can see. You start smiling for people while quietly falling apart inside. I think all of us have at least one day in our lives when we don’t need advice, solutions, or explanations.

We just need a hug. A real hug. The kind that tells you everything is going to be okay without saying a single word. The kind that allows you to stop pretending for a few minutes. The kind that makes you feel safe enough to put down everything you have been carrying. Today was that day for me. I kept wishing someone would simply sit beside me and ask nothing. No questions.

No judgments. No expectations. Just silence and presence.Because sometimes the most exhausted part of a person is not their body. It is their mind. By evening, I could feel everything becoming heavier. The thoughts became louder. The worries became stronger. The questions became endless. And eventually, I did what I always do when things become too much. I cried. Not because I wanted attention. Not because I wanted sympathy. I cried because sometimes tears are the only language the heart understands. There is something strangely peaceful about crying. For a few moments, all the pressure inside starts finding a way out. The chest feels lighter. The breathing becomes easier. The mind becomes quieter. The problems do not disappear, but somehow you become strong enough to face them again. 

So I sat there and cried. And while I was crying, I realized something I had spent a lot of my life thinking about. Maybe too much. Actually, if I am being honest, I overthink almost everything. A small problem becomes a big problem. A big problem becomes a disaster. A question becomes a hundred questions. A worry becomes a sleepless night. I know this about myself. I have known it for years. Sometimes I feel like my own mind is my greatest enemy. Not because it wants to hurt me. But because it never stops running. It never stops imagining. It never stops preparing for things that may never happen. And somewhere along the way, I get tired. Very tired. People often see the version of me that is smiling. The version that jokes around. The version that encourages others. The version that keeps moving forward. But very few people see the version that sits alone at night trying to figure out what is happening inside his own heart. Very few people see the moments when I feel lost. The moments when I feel uncertain. The moments when I wonder where life is actually taking me. Lately, that question has been visiting me more often. Where am I heading? Am I moving in the right direction? Will all this struggle eventually make sense? Will all these sacrifices be worth it?

Will all these sleepless nights lead somewhere beautiful? I honestly don’t know. And maybe that uncertainty is what hurts the most. Because human beings can survive pain. Human beings can survive failure. Human beings can survive disappointment. But uncertainty…Uncertainty slowly drains the soul. You wake up every day hoping something changes. Hoping some good news arrives. Hoping some door opens. Hoping some burden becomes lighter. Hoping some answer finally appears. And when none of those things happen, you keep walking anyway. Not because you are strong. But because you have no other choice. That is how many people live. And maybe that is how I am living right now.

 There are moments when I wish I had one full night with someone who simply listened. Not to solve my problems. Not to tell me what I should do. Just to listen. To every fear. To every frustration. To every hidden thought. To every question I have been carrying for months. Because sometimes the things that hurt us the most are the things we never say out loud. We carry them quietly. We hide them behind our smiles. We bury them under our responsibilities. We convince ourselves that we are okay. Until one evening arrives and everything spills out through tears. Maybe that is what happened today. Maybe I reached a point where my heart simply needed a break. Maybe I have been carrying too much for too long. Maybe I have been trying to be strong for so many people that I forgot how to be gentle with myself. Or maybe I am just tired. Tired of waiting. Tired of worrying. Tired of overthinking. Tired of fighting battles that nobody knows about. I don’t know. What I do know is that there are days when life feels incredibly heavy. Days when even hope feels distant. Days when happiness feels like something meant for everyone else. And today felt like one of those days. But even as I write this, a small part of me still refuses to give up. Maybe because I have survived every bad day before this one.

Maybe because somewhere deep inside, I still believe that better days exist. Maybe because faith keeps whispering when fear keeps shouting. Or maybe because life has taught me that the darkest nights often end with the most beautiful mornings. I don’t know when my happy season will arrive. I don’t know when things will finally make sense. I don’t know when my mind will become quieter. I don’t know when my heart will stop carrying so much weight. But I hope that day comes. I really do. Until then, I will keep walking. Even on the days when I feel lost. Even on the days when I cry. Even on the days when I don’t understand what is happening inside me. Because sometimes surviving the day is enough. And maybe that is what today was. Not a victory. Not a success story. Not a happy chapter. Just a day I survived. A day where I smiled for the world and cried for myself. A day when my heart felt heavier than usual. A day when I wished a hug could heal everything. A day when I quietly asked life, “How much longer?” And a day where, despite everything, I am still here. Still breathing. Still hoping. Still waiting for the day when all these silent battles finally make sense.

Just frustrations, but I am sure I am going off track.

 directly from the day that I experienced.

            Joice Joy